...divorce is a major source of stress for children

 

Much research has been done into what helps children cope with divorce or separation. The research shows that divorce or separation is indeed a major source of stress for children.

The way a child responds to relationship breakdown really depends on a number of factors such as age or personality type. Some children will cope better than others, a few may be happier following a divorce or separation, but the majority do show a decline in their well being.

The research shows inconsistent results comparing children's adjustment by age, but most relationship counsellors would agree that children who cope best with divorce or separation are those who after divorce, continue to have a regular, dependable, and loving relationship with both parents.

Generally speaking children tend to cope better if their parents show a united front. So, first agreeing between the two of you about what is going to happen and when is a good idea. You can then together tell the children, and this will help reassure them that you are still their Mum and Dad even though you are not together as a couple any more.

Children tend to believe that the world revolves around them, and they often secretly believe that they are to blame in some way and have done something to cause the relationship breakdown. They need plenty of reassurance that they are not at fault.

Although it is tempting to focus only on any positive changes, for instance a new bedroom and encouraging children to "move on" a couple of days after telling them, this glosses over the losses children will suffer. Children will need time to grieve and adjust to the fact that Mum and Dad are separating or considering divorce.

For a variety of reasons parents can find it difficult to assess what children are feeling or thinking about the divorce or separation. Here are some ideas of how to broach the subject of divorce or separation with your child.

Books or films are often a good starting point in helping children open up. Children often deal with feelings by relating to characters in a story. If a child reads about characters in a book or sees characters in a film experiencing the same feelings that the child is experiencing, then the child will not feel so alone. Stories, whether read from a book, or seen in a film can be a way in to how a child is really feeling about the divorce or separation.

By reading or watching stories together, you can reassure your child and help them express their thoughts and feelings. After completing a story, find ways to open conversation. Allow the child to talk about the content, and then share thoughts. Often children will talk about characters, not themselves. At some point the emphasis shifts from the book to the shared experience. Children often make the leap from the story to their lives. If this does not happen, you could always ask some open-ended questions (How did Harry feel? Why?) can be used to see if your child is ready to talk.

For very young children, play is the way they express feelings. If parents can watch or join in they may be able to tell how their child is feeling. Puppets, dolls, drawing, painting, sand, play dough, or water, are all good mediums for expression. Join in only if you are asked , Your child will sense if you try to direct the proceedings rather than playing and he or she will feel uncomfortable.