Parents often believe that shielding a child from the stress of a divorce or separation is in the child's best interest. However, kids often find themselves caught in an emotional whirlpool. Instead of protection, they need support and reassurance.

 

...divorce has repercussions that reverberate through childhood and into adulthood

 

By Andrea Sheehy MBACP

A lengthy National Child Development Study shows that although divorce has become much more commonplace these days and has greater acceptance in society this has not reduced its impact on children. The report says divorce and separation "has repercussions that reverberate through childhood and into adulthood."

The report summarises that: "Children from disrupted families tend to do less well in school and subsequent careers than their peers. They are also more likely to experience the break-up of their own partnerships."

Although research increasingly shows the negative impact on children of divorce and separation, the way it's handled is an important key in how well children adapt.

Protecting Children

Naturally parents dealing with a divorce or separation will want to protect their children from the same shock, and stress that they feel and many parents caught up in their own distress find it difficult to raise the subject. But avoiding talking about what is happening will only add to the stress and confusion children feel. Even young children will know something is in the air and the lack of any dialogue may leave them feeling angry or scared, as a result they may feel they can't trust you any more.

Fears and Change

One of the biggest fears for all of us is change and children are no different. With divorce or separation many changes will occur. Children may have to adjust to new homes, new routines, and new friends. They may also lose contact with friends or some family members.

Loss

Children may lose contact with friends or some family members, Additionally we sometimes forget or do not realise how attached children can be to pets, certain toys and their own space, such as a bedroom. Being away from familiar possessions is a huge loss for a child and can also create stress.

Children often fear that if they have lost one parent, they may lose the other. They may blame themselves, feel unlovable, or not feel safe in the world. They worry about who will take care of them and even who will pick them up from childcare or from school. Even children whose parents are not divorcing may hear friends talk about divorce and create confusion and fear for themselves.

Arguments and Tension

Arguments and tension between parents may make children feel to blame, angry, and isolated. Although sometimes tempting, encouraging children to take sides or turn against the other parent creates confusion for the children and they can feel torn as they struggle with loyality to both parents. It is important to let the children make up their own minds about their parents.

Questions

Childrens' reactions to divorce and separation will vary, but parents will see signs of what their child is experiencing in many of their words and actions. Children will have many questions and should be encouraged to ask as many as they need

Understanding

Parents really need to help their children understand what is happening, and that, in time, the family will learn to adapt to the many changes taking place. Only then can parents begin to relieve some of the accompanying stress and anguish felt by a child.

Love and approval

The amount of information you give them will depend on their ages, but all children need love and approval from both parents.